Sunday Tradition

Sundays suck. They're shitty news days and there's nothing to talk about. So as of today, every Sunday at TheSick.net is going to be my special religious assault day. I got nothing on Sundays. So I might as well dip into my massive reserve of anti-religious rhetoric.

Some Sundays I'll make fun of the bible. Sometimes I'll make fun of the Quran. Sometimes I'll make fun of whatever I find hilarious regarding religion. Today though, I'm going to quote he who is known simply as "The Man". You might know him as George Carlin. I'm going to type this all out myself, so if there's any typos, forgive me.

George Carlin - 1996 (Part 1)

Why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place? Huh? Boy, these conservatives are really something, aren't they? They're all in favor of the unborn. They will do anything for the unborn. But once you're born, you're on your own.

Pro-life conservatives are obsessed with abortion from conception to 9 months. After that they don't want to hear from you, they don't want to know about you, they don't want to know nothing. No new natal care, no daycare, no head start, no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothing. If you pre-born, you're fine. If you're preschool, you're fucked.

Conservatives don't give a shit about you until you read: Military Age. They they think you are just fine. Just what they've been looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers. Pro-life.

These people aren't pro-life. They're killing doctors. Want kind of pro-life is that? What, they'll do anything they can to save a fetus but if it grows up to be a doctor they just might have to kill it? They're not pro-life. You know what they are? They're anti-woman. Simple as it gets. Anti-woman. They don't like them. They don't like women.

They believe a woman's primary role is to function as a brood-mare for the state. Pro-life. You don't see many of these white anti-abortion women volunteering to have black fetuses transplanted into their uteruses, do ya? No, you don't see them adopting a whole lot of crack babies, do ya? No... That might be something Christ would do.

And! You won't see... And you won't see a lot of these pro-life people dousing themselves in kerosene and lighting themselves on fire. You know, morally committed religious people in South Vietnam knew how to stage a goddamn demonstration, didn't they? Huh?! They knew how to put on a fucking protest. Light ya self on FIRE! Come on you moral crusaders, let's see a little bit of smoke... to match that fire in your belly.

Here's another question I have. How come when it's us, it's an abortion. And when it's a chicken, its an omelet? Are we so much better that chickens all of the sudden? When did this happen that we passed chickens in goodness? Name 6 ways we're better than chickens... See! Nobody can do it. You know why? Because chickens are decent people. You don't see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do ya? Nah... You don't see chickens strapping some guy to a chair and hooking up a car battery to his nuts, do ya? When's the last chicken you heard about came home from work and beat the shit out of his hen? Huh?! It doesn't happen. Because chickens are decent people.

So let's get back to this abortion shit. Now... Is a fetus a human being? This seems to be the central question. Well if a fetus is a human being, how come the census doesn't count them? If a fetus isn't a human being, how come when there's a miscarriage they don't have a funeral? If a fetus is a human being, how come people say, "We have two children and one on the way" instead of saying "We have three children." People say live begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process. Continuous, just keeps rolling along.

Listen, you can go back further than that. What about the carbon atoms? Huh?! Human life could not exist without carbon. So is it just possible that maybe we shouldn't be burning all this coal? Just looking for a bit of consistency here in these anti-abortion arguments.

See, the really hardcore people will tell you that life begins at fertilization. Fertilization, when the sperm fertilizes the egg. Which is usually just a few moments after the man says "Gee honey I was gonna pull out but the phone rang and it startled me." But even after the egg is fertilized, it's still 6 or 7 days before it reaches the uterus and pregnancy begins. And not every egg makes it that far. 80% of a woman's fertilized eggs are rinsed and flushed out of her body once a month during those delightful few days she has. They wind up on sanitary napkins and yet they are fertilized eggs. So basically what these anti-abortion people are telling us is that any woman who has had more than one period is a serial killer.

Consistency. Hey, if they really want to get serious, what about all the sperm that are wasted when the state executes a condemned man while one of these pro-life guys who's watching cums in his pants? Huh?! Here's a guy standing over there with his jockey shorts full of little Vinny's and Debbie's and nobody's saying a word to the guy. Not every ejaculation deserves a name.

Now, speaking of consistency. Catholics, which I was until I reached the age of reason... Catholics and other Christians are against abortions and they're against homosexuals. Well who has less abortions than homosexuals? Leave these fucking people alone for Christ's sake. Here is an entire class of people guaranteed never to have an abortion. And the Catholics and Christians are just tossing them aside. You'd think they'd make natural allies. Go look for consistency in religion.

And speaking of my friends the Catholics, When Cardinal John Conner of New York and some of these other Cardinals and Bishops have experiences their first pregnancies and labor pains, and they've raised a couple of children on minimum wage, then I'll be glad to hear what they have to say about abortion. I'm sure it'll be interesting. But... In the mean time what they ought to be doing is telling these priests who took a vow of chastity to keep their hands off the alter boys. Keep your hands to yourself, father. (In 1996 he said this. Amazing.) When Jesus said "Suffer the little children. Come unto me," that's not what he was talking about.

See, you know what I tell these anti-abortion people? I say "Hey... Hey... If you think a fetus is more important than a woman, try getting a fetus to wash the shit stains out of your underwear." For no pay, and no pension. I say "Think of an abortion as term limits." That's all it is. Biological term limits.

Part 2 next Sunday!